I give up

To thrive we first need to survive

I think I know why I’ve been feeling stuck.

I never used to have this issue. I had lots of ideas. I could ship fast.

But the ever-growing threat of survival in the past years had steadily crept into me headspace. The pandemic killed my consulting business, my main income stream. I held on for 1-2 years with savings. Thought the market might recover. But 4 years on, it never quite did. There was a slight rise when the pandemic ended, but now, with the market is going into economic recession, it’s all just downhill. Over the years, the business outlook—and correspondingly my own mental outlook—got bleaker and bleaker. Unknowingly.

And where survival goes, creativity leaves.

It’s hard to stay optimistic and excited about new ideas when survival is at stake. It’s 10x more difficult to build new things when the lives of the entire family—wife, young child, elderly parents—is at stake.

That’s why I struggled to build anything at all.

That’s why I have brief spurts of creative enthusiasm when I finish some gigs and have some money, then after a month or so, I start to feel the urgency of survival again. And start to lean towards tasks that bring money, all the while thirsting to build new products.

That inner tug of war just wears one down. But survival usually wins… eventually. It’s inevitable, because to thrive you first need to survive. And the provider in me takes that role very seriously. More so than the creator.

So maybe instead of forcing a new product through, I should just let it go.
Until I solve my money issues, I shouldn’t push myself on anything serious.

Just maintain and grow the current ones slowly.
Play around with small side projects for fun.
Work hard at providing for my family.

Only after we’re in the clear—1000%—should I push for something new.

To thrive we first need to survive.

So…… I give up.

Crazy how these three words were so hard for me to say, yet what I needed most. For myself.

I give up on trying to ship a new product.
I give up being torn between surviving and thriving.
I give up the creator in me, so that I can focus on being provider.

I give up. For now.

I felt so relieved from giving myself the permission to say “I give up” out loud to myself. Weight off the chest. A palpable sense of relief. A wave of ease.

The body can’t lie. The body don’t lie.

I needed that.

Now, I can just do what needs to be done.

Feed my family.
Get us past survival.

Then we talk product.

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